Posted on May 30, 2013 in Blog
When couples fight, who is really in the room?
Couples can have all the date nights, love notes and favorite things lists you can write – however, unless you resolve the early experiences that raises your hackles, stirs your stomach, and makes your teeth grind, you may be putting icing on a very bitter cake.
He Said: You’re always late! I hate it! (What His inner 8 year old remembers: My dad forgot to pick me up from baseball when I was 8. When someone is late I get anxious!)
She Said: So what? The last time I saw you you were on the phone the whole time!
(What Her inner 8 year old felt: My mom was always on the phone with her friends when I got home from school. Are you going to ignore me when I need you?)
What if, when you lock horns with our honey it is really your inner eight-year old throwing a tantrum?
Fact: All of us “trance out” 15 – 50 times an hour. This means in a split nanosecond, before we even notice, we re-live an experience, belief, or action from the past, while seemly being in the present.
This autopilot is helpful – this is how we drive cars, perform repetitive tasks, and acquire skills that we can access immediately rather than “rebooting” them each time we want to use them. The mind/body remembers for us.
However, when dealing with our loved ones, our reactions are often run by these unconscious responses from the past, rather than by what is actually happening.
Ever have an argument and thought “What just happened? Was that me who said that?”
The qualities of these “body memories” vary greatly, and that makes the difference in the energy expressed in your interactions. When it is a good, happy experience, we choose positive, helpful actions and reactions.
” I was successful passing that exam in 5th grade. I have the confidence to make breakthroughs in my relationship.”
When they are negative we bring that same quality of energy into the present situation and it is usually unhelpful, and, sometimes destructive.
“Every time I spoke in front of my 3rd grade class I felt shamed, how can I express my love in public? I’d rather run away.”
Changing the energy of these past events can eliminate the buttons that get unconsciously pushed and usher your embarrassed, angry, or ornery 8 year old into the conversation.
An AvivaLife session can help you access these experiences and transform and give you options for your interactions in the present.
Whether you choose to explore the bottom layer of your “buttons” by yourself or do it with your partner, I can help you find your way back to a stronger more positive partnership so you can lock lips instead of horns.
Call me today to learn more and schedule an appointment to turn your pain into power.